I’m Back!

Ah, back home and comfy at last. There is so much news to catch up on, but as I warm my feet by a crackling fire, I am robbed of the will to wax witty on the events of the past week. Here is a brief roundup:

The world bid adieu to President Ford and the Godfather of Soul, James Brown. I think some other people died too, but I don’t know who they are.

The Governator shattered his leg while standing stock still on his skis. I think I might revise my weekend plans… can you break a hip making snow angels?

Jake and Maggie, I am glad you’re safe tonight!

Meanwhile, this little blog has been quoted internationally! I’m a hit in the UK!

And a partridge in a pear tree!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Two turtledoves

Ah yes, everybody’s favorite turtledoves, Tom and Katie, are wishing you a very Merry Christmas too. And in case you don’t believe me, you can go down to Hollywood Blvd and witness the glory that is L. Ron Hubbard’s Winter Wonderland. No, I am not kidding. I got my picture taken with Santa, and I didn’t have to make a donation, take a personality test, hook up to an e-meter, or vow to dedicate my life to a thetan-free existence. Very generous of you, Scientologists! Merry Christmas Xenu!

An Early Christmas

I’ll be on “vacation” as of three o’clock this afternoon, and therefore may not be able to post the final two installments of the Twelve Days of Christmas Extravaganza that has no doubt entertained and cheer-a-fied you all up until now. Rather than chance it, I am going to just post the last two days now, and trust you all not to open until Christmas. On your honor now! Santa will know!

Three French Hens

I couldn’t let an entire Holiday season pass without posting a little something on the Greatest Christmas Movie Featuring Keanu Reeves and Drew Barrymore Singing a Song About Cincinnati of all time! Just a warning, you will not be able to watch the film without craving cookies for at least twenty-four hours afterwards.

Four calling birds...

With all the Christmas hoopla, I almost forgot to pay tribute to the Other Winter Holiday: Hanukkah! Or, as I like to call it, Chanukah (because I am a big fan of extraneous c’s). So, even though this is the 6th day of Chanukah, and the clip has nothing to do with calling birds, I hope you enjoy it, nonetheless. Shalom! A gezunt ahf dein kop! A glick ahf dir!

Five Gold Rings!

Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men? Well, how about a clockwork train?



This is the second half of the above clip, in case you are like me, and just can’t get enough of Eddie Izzard.

Stars, They’re Just Like Us: 6 Days of Christmas Edition

What do you get for the guy who has everything? Cashmere socks, a tea set, and a wind chime. At least, that is what Jake Gyllenhaal’s parents got him for Christmas. How do I know, you ask? Bear witness to an IM conversation I just had with One Lucky Bitch:

OLB: [I just saw] the entire Gyllenhaal family, including Peter and the baby!! They literally sat 4 feet away from us at the next table. AND I know what Jake got for Christmas
Me: Noooooo! WHAT?? How did Jake look?? What is their baby's name? Ramona?
OLB: Something like that. Anyways, he got...
Me: (please say underwear)
OLB: A pair of cashmere socks, a british tea set, and a hanging garden wooden chime.
Me: How totally sweet
OLB: And slightly gay. Jake looked adorable in his grey Polo cardigan
Me: Aw, I love him.
OLB: Famke Janson was there too but at a different table
Me: eh, we don't care about her

So there you have it friends, you are the first to know how Jake’s tootsies are being kept warm this winter. Enjoy this pic of him all decked out for the holidays.




UPDATE:For the record, they were at Angelini's on Beverly. And also, today is Jake's birthday, so please mentally change all above "holiday" references to "birthday."

Six geese a-laying...

Oh, if only the The Asian American Journalists Association could see this! Ralphie would be getting more than an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle for Christmas!

Seven Swans A-Swimming...

Just because Lost is on hiatus for the winter, doesn’t mean you can’t have a little vague, confusing, should-mean-something-but-really-only-makes-you-feel-stupid Dharma Initiative in your holiday season!

Eight Maids A-Milking...

Most of the stuff google turned up for “Milk Maids” was pornographic, so you’re going to have to content yourself with this Happy Cows cheese commercial. Merry 8th day of Christmas!

Nine ladies dancing...

Since today is Friday, and I typically don’t post on weekends, I thought I would give you all your ninth day of Christmas present a tad early. If you haven’t already, go out and see The Holiday this weekend! It’s emotionally draining, but so completely worth it. And yes, in the spirit of nine ladies dancing, Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet do get their groove on in the film.

Rocky Roadface

I am so sorry to interrupt my nonstop Twelve Days of Christmas coverage, but am I the only one who has been wondering what meant grinder ran over Sylvester Stallone’s face recently? I mean, the man seriously looks like a he was attacked by a new strain of botox wielding killer bees. I was willing to write it off as unfortunate, Tara Reid-style trauma-inducing plastic surgery, but now I have a better explanation: Genetics.



Yes, that is Sly’s mom, Jackie. It all makes so much sense now. I don’t know about you, but I feel better… or I would, if I wasn’t haunted by the inexplicable resemblance to Marie Osmond.

Ten Lords a Leaping…

Okay, he doesn’t leap here, and sadly, there is only one of him, but I am pretty sure Ioan has played a Lord at some point. At the very least, you can find enjoyment in the sexiest voice I have ever heard, reciting a snippet from Dylan Thomas’s A Child’s Christmas in Wales.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas...

Technically, 12 Drummers Drumming was yesterday, but you can click here to listen to and download Greg Laswell's gorgeous rendition of Little Drummer Boy. Don't worry, he assured me that no Drummer Boys were harmed in the making of the song.

A Scrubby Little Christmas

Only twelve days until Christmas, and what better way to kick start the festivities than with a little Charlie Brown? Okay, I don’t really like Charlie Brown, so I decided to post a Charlie Brown Christmas as told by the cast of Scrubs. And if you like that show, you should find this hilarious. If you don’t like it… what the heck is wrong with you? It’s one of the best sitcoms on TV! Philistine!

Sorry! Or, as they say in China, “Ching Chong!”

Rosie O’Donnell is catching some serious flack with The Asian American Journalists Association for this clip:


The AAJA says, “We feel strongly that it is our responsibility to call attention to what we consider a mockery of the Chinese language and, in effect, a perpetuation of stereotypes of Asian Americans as foreigners or second-class citizens. The use of the distorted phrases is insulting to the Chinese and Chinese Americans and gives the impression that they are a group that is substandard to English-speaking people.”

First of all, she wasn't talking about Asian Americans, she was referencing a pretend newscast in China. Secondly, she did not imply that they were second-rate, she just outed herself as having no concept of how to speak Chinese. So, when put on the spot she resorted to some “funny” noises. Big whoop. Next thing you know, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is gonna come over and yell at me when I ask the busboy for a “glass-o of water-o.” Oh my god! I’m racist too! Someone call Cesar Chavez!

So Wrong and Sorry

Dear Nicole,
I owe you an apology. About a month ago, I posted an item saying you had your gastric bypass reversed, and would likely be gaining copious amounts of fast food induced weight. Well, according to your booking sheet, you are hanging in there at 85 lbs. Boy is my face red. Well done, Nicole. Well done.
Oh, but just so you know, you don’t have to go to these drastic measures to put me in my place. A phone call will suffice. You know how to reach me.
Also, I was talking to someone the other day, and he said that he thought you would be the first to die, beating out Paris, Britney, and Lindsay. Now let's try to prove him wrong, shall we? Thanks gf.
-- Megan

Like A Virgo

Must be a slow news day for celebrity gossip site, TMZ.com. They are heading a story about Madonna and Guy Ritchie with the following lead in:

“As Madonna and man-toy Guy Ritchie approach their six year wedding anniversary, rumors continue to swirl that their marriage is close to the ‘borderline.’”

I was settling in for some serious gossip, so you can imagine my disappointment to read what amounted to a celebrity horoscope and a cheap excuse to use as many Madonna song title clichés as they could think of.

“According to AOL Horoscopes, her Madgesty, a Leo born August 16, is someone who wants constant praise. Shocking! Unfortunately, Virgos like Guy tend to be very critical and don't readily give unwarranted praise. Luckily, stars say the duo "could find some common ground in the bedroom." Like a virgin!
While the mother of three is "more likely to quibble over Guy's choice of words than to address the larger issues at hand," Ritchie is still able to make Madonna feel "like she's the center of the universe." Guy knows that hell hath no fury like a Material Girl scorned! Perhaps a vacation on La Isla Bonita would help?
The astrological forecast says that if the Ciccone-Ritchies can make it work until July, their marriage should make it ... and they can justify their love.”

Snooze! Come back to me, TMZ, when you have something a tad more interesting – like Sister Cleo and Dione Warwick duking it out over whether Madge’s Moon is in the Seventh House.

That’s Right, I Totally Know Where Peru Is

If you want to feel like an uneducated American, take this little
geography quiz. Man, there are a lot of countries in Africa. Who knew? Also, I don’t like how they never tell you the right answers. Now I’ll never know where the Azerbaijan Republic is!

KROQtroversy

With all the holiday/birthday hubbub, I almost forgot what time of year it is! No, not Christmas. It’s time for KROQ’s annual Miss Double-December contest, wherein woman compete to show off their boobs in exchange for free admission to all of KROQ’s events (hey, if you got it, flaunt it, especially if it gets you into the Weenie Roast). I’m not particularly on board with the contest, but the other morning I heard something that caught me off guard. The Miss Double-December theme song is crass (as you can imagine), and contains the line “my penis is getting hard.” They’ve been playing this contest theme song for years without editing. But the other morning, they suddenly started dropping the word “penis.” Apparently someone complained. Then this morning, I received an email from a friend, asking me to write a letter of complaint to likewecare@kroq.com. He felt, as I do, that “penis” is a perfectly acceptable, clinical word, and we shouldn’t be forced to censor any mention of sex and genitalia from our society. Besides, the word “genitalia” is far grosser than “penis.” So, I wrote the following letter to KROQ. If you’re on board with this cause, feel free to join in.

Subject: Unnecessary censoring of Miss Double December Theme Song

To Whom It May Concern:

It astounds me that a KROQ listener would be offended by the word “penis,” when your entire show is centered around making fun of Mexicans, retards, stoners, Bean, and the occasional fatty. Furthermore, the theme song is probably the LEAST offensive part of a contest that encourages women to send in scantily clad photos of themselves, in the hopes that their breasts will be chosen to represent your radio program in the following year.
More shocking, however, is that any of you gave a damn. The Kevin and Bean I know and love would’ve read the complaint on air, then had The King of Mexico go out on the street and yell “penis” at people to gauge their reactions. I am shaking my head at you in disappointment. If I didn’t want to hear the word penis in the morning, I would listen to KOST 103.5.

Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan

I don’t remember the last time Lindsay Lohan entertained me, but that is not the point. Defamer.com has a blackberry missive that Lindsay apparently sent to God knows who (maybe everyone in her address book?), imploring them to help her in her fight against the tabloids. For what? I’m not entirely sure. Read it for yourself, and let me know what you come up with, but here are a few tasty excerpts:
“Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said.
I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help.
Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people.
…
Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say.
Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point.
I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them.
…
I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone.
…
I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak.
Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing.
Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask.
So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future.
Thank you for your time.
Your Entertainer,
Lindsay Lohan
Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.”

It’s just as I always feared. Lindsay Lohan is one of THOSE people. You know, the kind who was a precocious child, always told how smart they were, but then never received any semblance of an education, killed whatever brain cells they once had with excessive partying, and are now too dumb to realize that they ARE one of those “unintelligent, vulgar” people they are talking about. I weep for the “way of the future.”

Kitty Contortionist

Wow. If my cat could have done this, I would never have sent her to live in North Dakota with those nice farmers.

The Three Disgraces

Page Six is really re-defining the Blind Item genre to something more like a “if you squint really hard, you might not immediately be able to tell who we’re talking about” item. Their newest, thinly veiled “Just Asking” column:
WHICH recently separated celeb has a new habit to go along with her new friends? The cutie is spending way too much time in the bathroom of the many clubs she visits, hoovering down cocaine that her pals supply her with . . . WHICH hard-partying Hollywood starlet has club cocktail waitresses fueling rumors of rehab by whispering that the actress cuts her coke with strawberry Quik? . . . WHICH new pair of best friends are actually more? When they get back to their hotels or homes, the clothes come off."
If you have access to the internet, a television, gossipy co-workers, smoke signals, or sky writing, this should not be too difficult to figure out. And just incase you’re reading this blog by candlelight, because you are Amish and don’t believe in any of the above (shout out, Lancaster County! I want my hat back!), the answers are Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton & Britney Spears, respectively. Or, as they are better known, the Three Disgraces.

Happy Birthday to Me

Chris Rock is Psychic

Watch this little video, and remember a time when OJ Simpson selling his murder confession was the stuff of mildly funny opening material for comedians with late night talk shows. So, not much has changed in the last ten years.

He Looka Likea Man

I love how Keanu Reeves isn't afraid to look homeless in public. Or maybe it's his disguise, so crazed fans don't run up to him and pretend like they know him, and call him incessantly, and then get really really sad when he doesn’t return their calls, but still vow to love him till eternity, even when certain Welsh actors threaten to take over his place in their hearts. What? It’s not me. It’s someone I know.






In an unrelated story, whose hand is that in the foreground? Do I have to smack a bitch??

Boy is His Face Allred!

According to TMZ, Michael Richards is planning to meet with the hecklers he offended at the Laugh Factory a few weeks ago.

Michael Richards has agreed to settle his dispute with the men he offended during his racist rant last month at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. Richards and Gloria Allred, the lawyer for the two patrons, issued the following joint statement:
“Michael Richards would like to apologize in person to the gentleman with whom he had the exchange in the club. After discussions with Gloria Allred, an attorney who represents the man and three others who were with him that night, Michael has agreed that they will all meet in the presence of a retired judge who will facilitate the meeting and help the parties resolve this matter. All concerned are hopeful that a face-to-face meeting will be constructive and begin the necessary process of healing and closure."
No word on whether money will exchange hands.

Okay, great, he’s apologizing. It’s about time, really. But why is Gloria Allred involved? Why would there be any “money exchanging hands”? Last time I checked, Kramer’s angry rant would be covered by a little thing I like the call the Constitution of the United States. Freedom of speech: heard of it? Yes, it was offensive and wrong, but not slanderous. Michael Richards wasn’t accusing the men of anything. He was just being an asshole. And part of what makes our country great, is that assholes are allowed to spout their crap whenever and wherever they want. Just ask the homeless guy who lives in front of Baja Fresh and screams insults at me when I walk by. Of course, if he had Seinfeld residuals, I might consider suing him too.

A Cry for Help

Yesterday I posted the following plea on my myspace blog:

Hello Friends,
I was tempted to start a chain letter to get the word out about this rather serious issue, but I didn't think you'd take it seriously. I would like to start a petition to ask Britney Spears to put on some damned underwear. Because you and I should not have to live in a world where we are inundated with pictures of Britney Spears' vagina every time we log on to Defamer.com. I was willing to let it go the first two times, but now it's just too much. Please add your comment in support of my petition, and feel free to pass this post around. I think this is an important issue, and our chance to make our generational contribution.
Thanks,
Megan






And now it looks like Rosie O’Donnell from The View is taking up my cause! Check out the video on TMZ.com (sorry, they won’t let me imbed it). If you’d like to voice your support of this movement, please click here.

I See Dead People

This image is appearing on the bottoms of pools all across Australia, as part of their campaign to “Raise awareness of and provide knowledge to parents of what constitutes appropriate levels of supervision of children.” In other words, to scare the crap out of them, and their kids. Look at the poor little boy eyeballing that poster. No wonder he’s hightailing it out of that pool! Mark my words, an entire generation of Australians will be land-bound for life after this. Way to go, Royal Life Saving Society!

One Bank

I have never been so proud to be a Bank of America customer.

Rosie Outs Clay Aiken

So, Rosie jumps right to homophobia? Clay Aiken is not out of the closet, and as such, if he is gay, what Rosie O’Donnell did there is much more damaging than Kelly Rippa telling him to keep his filthy paws off her. Seriously, in the course of a conversation later today, put your hand over the mouth of the person who is talking and see what happens. Clay Aiken is lucky Kelly Ripa didn’t punch him in the face. I certainly would have.
Also, I love how Rosie and the rest of the cast of the View claim they have “never questioned Clay’s sexuality.” Because if I rewind the film about 30 seconds, that is exactly what she just did. If by “question” you mean “call him a homo.” Oh, and ugly too. How can we forgot the ugly?
But I think the real story here, is who is that woman next to Rosie, and what died her head? That is the worst wig I have ever seen on national television, and yes, that includes Donald Trump’s.

The Greatest American Holiday

Thanksgiving is upon us! And because nothing was on television last night, I ended up watching Home For the Holidays: The History of Thanksgiving, on the History Channel. I know, I know, my life is a nonstop party. But it was actually quite interesting, and I learned some things I didn’t know before. For instance, did you know that Franklin Roosevelt moved Thanksgiving up a week, in an effort to jumpstart the depressed economy with prolonged Christmas spending? And did you know that there were no pies at the first Thanksgiving, because the pilgrims didn’t have ovens? Poor suckers.

Perhaps the best point made by the documentary, one that hadn’t occurred to me, is that Thanksgiving really is the last great American holiday. It has not been commercialized like Christmas, you don’t have to be pressured into going to church, you don’t have to worry about what presents to buy for people you don’t really know. Rather, it’s just a time for your family and friends to gather around the same table, load their plates with carby deliciousness, and just be thankful for what you have.

And if you find yourself all alone this holiday season (like I was on the Worst Thanksgiving Ever – deserted by my family, with strep throat, too weak to open my Gatorade bottle), take heart. At least you’re not having Thanksgiving with this guy.

Racism is the new black

Except instead of being slimming and going with everything, it’s offensive and a potential career-ender. Michael “Kramer” Richards is jumping on the Mel Gibson-helmed bandwagon, with a barrage of n-words during his performance at the Laugh Factory last week. Someone in the audience caught it on video, so you can see for yourself how crazy he seems.
I was never a big fan of Kramer, slapstick isn’t really my thing, so I am not too familiar with his comic stylings. I find it interesting, however, that you can hear laughter from the audience through most of the video. I don’t know if it’s shocked disbelief-type laughter, or if this spew of hatred was somehow related to whatever went on in his act before the video started. But I do know that Michael Richards seems like an angry, bitter little man, no doubt as a result of fans repeatedly asking him if he's going commando and "LOVIN EVERY MINUTE OF IT."
Here's a clip with Michael Richards, from happier times.

Breaking News: Paris Hilton Sucks

I think it’s hilarious that people are lauding Tina Fey as a hero for telling Howard Stern that Paris Hilton is a “piece of shit.” Check out the transcript of her interview, where she claims that Hilton is “unbelievably dumb” with hair “like a Fraggle.” Okay, that is funny, but the best part is the user comments at the bottom of the page.
7:09 PM Babygreens Says:
Tina Fey is awesome! It was about time someone spoke the truth about Miss Nothing Paris Hilton. Go Tina!!!
6:29 PM lovely m Says:
hahahaha..thats soooo great!!! finally someone says it how it is---PARIS HILTON IS AN IDIOT!!!!!! shes soooo pathetic!!! i agree with all of you--TINA FEY IS NOW MY HERO!!!!!
[And so on.]
“About time someone told the truth”? Have Babygreens and Lovely M been living in a parallel universe where Paris Hilton is somehow revered? Are they really shocked and amazed by Tina’s assessment of the heirhead? Because I am pretty sure that Paris Hilton has never been called anything but dumb and worthless, ever since she was born. Seriously, this is not news. If Tina Fey said anything else, she would be written off as an ass-kissing fraud. Love you though, Tina! Call me!

Stars Wars is still just a movie, right?

“The UN International Day of Tolerance, which takes place annually on November 16, is aimed at emphasising the dangers of intolerance and promoting integration and cohesion across the globe.

Umada, 27, and Yunyun, 24, both from London, want the day to be renamed the ‘Interstellar Day of Tolerance’ to reflect millions of people across the globe who have chosen to follow the Jedi code as a religion and truly reflect social diversity.

Umada and Yunyun said: ‘For the last ten years the United Nations has marked the International Day of Tolerance. While we support this important work, we feel the UN needs to move with the times.

‘Like the UN, the Jedi Knights are peacekeepers and we feel we have the basic right to express our religion through wearing our robes, and to be recognised by the national and international community. We therefore are calling upon the United Nations Association to change November 16 to the UN Interstellar Day of Tolerance, to reflect the religious make-up of our twenty-first century civilisation. Tolerance is about respecting difference where ever it lies, including other galaxies. Please don't exclude us from your important work. May the Force be with you.’

In the 2001 UK Census 390,000 people listed their religion as Jedi Knight making it the fourth biggest belief in the country.”

Who would have thought that a cat having puppies would not be the strangest thing in UK news today? At least the vow of chastity won’t be a problem for the members of this “religion.”

Cat/Dog

Yes, friends, the end of the world is near. I don’t even know what to say about this, except I really hope it’s a hoax.

Would You Rather…

Glamour magazine has decided to capitalize on the trend sweeping the nation (and by “nation,” I mean “grade school sleepovers”) by publishing a “would you rather” poll. Let’s take it together, shall we?





Click on the survey above to see the average responses (the answers in pink are mine).

Oh, she'll Explore Ya!

Isn't it someone's job to make sure things like this... well... don't look like this?

Not that Innocent

Okay, I wasn’t going to talk about this, because I was hoping that if I squeezed my eyes closed and hummed really loud, the Britney and K-Fed sex tape would cease to exist. But now I hear that the czar of celebrity sex tapes, David Hans Schmidt is offering $100 million for the four hour long sexy-time marathon. Let me put that image out of my mind long enough to remind Britney that Kevin offered to sell her the tape for $30 million, plus custody of their little rugrats. Girlfriend, if I were you, I would take him up on the offer, then sell the tape for the cool $100 mil. That gets you $70 million in profits, AND you get rid of the kiddos! Not bad for four hours worth of work. And let’s face it, those kids will turn up on your doorstep before you even knew they were gone. Speaking of which, where are those kids? Has anyone seen them?

Tom Cruise is inhuman

Does anyone remember when Tom Cruise saved some jet skiers from some kind of terrible water sport related accident? I can’t recall the details, but I do remember that he was widely regarded as some kind of real-life action hero. And he was all demur about it, like, “oh anyone would have done the same.”
Well, Mr. Anyone Would Have Done It, when you see a toddler getting trampled on by the mob of paparazzi that is there to film you in your daily walking/breathing exhibition, would it not be a reflex to save the kid? I don’t like to bestow a heightened sense of morality on celebrities just because they are famous, but I think it would be anyone’s instinct to lunge for the kid. Especially a parent of three!
Watch this video and see for yourself how blasé he is about the whole thing.

Nicole Richie is an idiot

From yesterday’s Page Six:
“WHICH young Hollywood starlet had secret gastric bypass surgery, but then lost too much weight? During a recent four-day stint at a health clinic, she was actually having an operation to remove the bypass.”

Page Six is redefining the phrase “blind item” to mean “anyone with a pair of eyes and a working brain cell could figure this out” item. I heard this rumor a few weeks ago, and it made absolute and total sense. So much so, that I considered it my duty to spread it around as much as possible. Nicole has never been anything but super sweet to me, even when I was blamed for not getting her the 8,000 square foot trailer that was custom built for Robert DeNiro, thus screwing up the entire video shoot we were working on. But you know what? I didn’t steal her Sidekick when I had the opportunity, so I think we’re even. Now I can pass this “rumor” on with a clear conscience. She’s not anorexic. She’s not bulimic. She’s not doing heroin. She’s just a vain idiot, who jumped on the gastric bypass bandwagon when DJ AM did it, and later learned that it is perhaps not the best way to lose a little post-rehab weight.
Now that she’s corrected the procedure, let’s start a pool to see how long before her addiction to fast food catches up to her. I’ll take 3 weeks.

Strange Things Are Afoot at The Circle K

It’s been eight years since I graduated high school. That may not seem like a very long time to some people, but apparently, it’s long enough for there to have been a cultural revolution, the likes of which this country has never seen before.
I am not talking about school shootings, or illiteracy rates, or any of that nonsense. No, what I am talking about has the power to shake the earth to its core, upsetting the balance of power that governs our country, and the global community as a whole. Friends, I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but the Nerds have finally exacted their Revenge. Yes, Robert Carradine tried to warn you in 1984 (and in 1987 , and 1992 , and 1994 ), but you didn’t listen. Now we will all pay the price.
I went to see Islands at the Henry Fonda Theater on Friday, and was unendingly disturbed by what I found there. Not the band, they were awesome. Rather, it was the crowd that I found so disconcerting. You know you’re heading for trouble when you need a wristband to buy a drink – all ages shows always make me feel a little old and stodgy. The crowd was comprised almost entirely of kids who looked like they might have to be home before the streetlights come on. In fact, one kid who honestly looked about 9, was there with his mom. But that seemed almost normal when I started to look around the room.
The girls all seemed pretty hip, to use a word that will completely alienate me from said hipsters. They were all pretty, appropriately punked-out, for such an occasion, and seemed like the kind of girl who you would want to just cram their lollipop down their throat if you had to sit behind them in home room. The guys on the other hand… well, I’ll let this picture speak their thousand words.





The oddity is not that these two classes were existing peacefully next to one another. No. They were mingling. They were touching. Dare I say it, they were flirting. I actually saw the guy pictured left, touch one of the hot girls (we’ll call her Ashley) on the waist, as he whispered into her ear.
I know, I know, it makes your head spin. Maybe these guys finally figured out how to make their home computer bring their Lisa doll to life. Except they make Anthony Michael Hall look like Wilmer Valderrama, with fewer STDs.
I don’t know how it happened, but mark my words. The Revolution has begun. The future is Nerds.

Stars, they drink coffee too!

Picking up where I left off on Friday, I would like to report a celebrity sighting. While wading through the debacle that was my Monday morning, I spotted Sara Evans at the Coffee Bean on the corner of Third and La Cienega. She was accompanied by her three kids (I assume they were hers), and a woman who was probably the nanny.
When I say, "I spotted," I must clarify that I have no real idea who Sara Evans is, and therefore would not recognize her if she was wearing a name tag that said, "Hello My Name Is: Sara Evans, you might remember me as the unrecognizable one from Dancing With the Stars, and I am also rumored to be a Country Music MegaStar." Once again, my friend Maggie, Celebrity Eagle Eye, is to credit.

Stars, They’re Just Like Us!

I would like to kick off a new section of this blog, in which I tell you what celebrities I see around town, and you can either die of envy, or roll your eyes at how celeb-obsessed our “culture” is. Ahem:
I was walking (yes walking, what is this world coming to?) past Ammo about 5 minutes ago, when my friend subtly whispered, “to your left”, because she’s not good with the whole body=clock concept. I looked, and there was Kirsten Dunst sitting on the outside patio, with a female friend. Kirsten’s hair was short, and she was smiling, telling a story. She looked radiantly healthy, much better than last time I saw her, at the Grove. I don’t know why people pick on her. I think she’s cute, in a very “I hate her because she gets to make out with Tobey Maguire” kind of way.





Oh, and this comes just days after some of my coworkers were outside Ammo, and Orlando Bloom tried to bum a cigarette. Apparently, Highland & Lexington is the place to be seen!

Mid morning pick me up!

If you have a bunch of nosy coworkers around your desk, don't click this link. Unless you want to make them blush, look away, then timidly IM you asking for the link.
Also, don't ask how I found this....

Jesus, what a Fallout!

Does anyone else feel like the earth has suddenly reversed its orbit in the last week or so? Or, at the very least, slowed its downward spiral? First the Foley scandal, then Ted Haggard’s “outing,” the election results, and resignation of Rumsfeld… suddenly so many liberals have hope, in what seemed just a few months ago like a dismal Bushocracy.
When the documentary film, Jesus Camp, hit theaters a couple of months ago, people everywhere, of all religions, rose up and decreed it a shining example of everything that is wrong with conservatism in America. And the movie itself dispels any hope the viewer has that Evangelicals are a small, powerless subset of America. The now infamous Ted Haggard states that there are 30 million Evangelical Christians in America, and if they vote, they win the election. Scary thought, especially given the kind of Bush-worshipping fanaticism the movie portrays.
No one is claiming that “Jesus Camp” represents all Evangelicals (thank God), but the images conjured up in the film have lead people to respond with claims of “brainwashing,” “child abuse,” and even drawn parallels to Nazi boot camps. Several months of this outcry has lead to the closing of Pastor Becky Fischer’s “Kids on Fire” summer camp.
I am shocked, given the “what are you gonna do about it” zeal exhibited by Fischer. But I can’t say that I am not a little relieved. Perhaps there is hope for our little nation yet.

The Monkey is on the Branch

Just a little something to entertain you for a few minutes. If you get all the way to the end, you'll see why I love this clip.

Is it just me?

Or is anyone else really starting to like K-Fed?

Can't Get Enough of the Mode

I'm always about ten years behind the music trends, so I didn't discover Depeche Mode until well into the 90's. So, when I see things like this, I am always struck anew by how dorky they really were (are? were?). I'm still totally turned on, though.

Don’t cc me, I don’t care

So, Rumsfeld is stepping down. Now, I don’t know anything about this Robert Gates, other than that he used to head up the CIA (wiretapping, anyone?), but I can only hope this is a statement on how much our country is trying to change. Election years always result in a little skeleton/closet cleaning, but it seems like the past few weeks have resulted in a ridiculous number of corpses piling up.
Now, I’m not actually blogging about Rumsfeld just for the sake of it. I just needed to give the following rant a little context. You see, lately, I have added another pet peeve to my rather large collection of neuroses. Falling under the category of “people who think they are funny, but indeed, are not” comes the increasingly annoying gaffe of hitting reply all to a mass email, when writing a quick retort intended for the person who sent the email.
Take for example, the following email chain I was lately subjected to, along with about 83 other people at my company (names have been changed to protect the innocent).

Subject: Oh Happy Day

Town Crier: RUMSFELD IS STEPPING DOWN! ONE DOWN TWO TO GO.

Democrat Dan: there IS a God!!

Captain Bringdown: No, there isn't a god. The problem in America is the American people. The average American is rather dumb and holds false beliefs. The problem is that, half of America is dumber than that. Rationality will win in the end.

Democrat Dan: Way to be optimistic [Captain Bringdown]!

Sadly Not Me: Unsubscribe

Anonymous Annie:





Self Righteous Bob: Yes, there is a god, and he better see [Captain Bringdown] on Sunday.

Hopefully Ironic Ian: I am certain [Captain Bringdown] meant the average 'merican that voted for G.W. Bush are rather dumb and dumber. RUMSFELD RULES! GO Arnold! woooohhooooo!

Johnny Afterthefact (responding to “there is a god”): and her name is nancy.......

Jesse Jokester: No, Nancy is the tranny just outside the back door. HA!, HA!, HA!

Levity Larry: No, that is Mancy. Sweet fellow. Cheap too.

Levity Larry: No, that is Mancy. Sweet fellow. Cheap too. [because once wasn’t enough, he had to send it twice]

So, this is what has been cluttering up my email box all day. I try to delete them as fast as I get them, but I had to step into a meeting, and I came back to 7 of these reply all messages that have nothing to do with anything, especially not official work purposes. But I think the part that irks me the most, is this Captain Bringdown character. His argument doesn’t make any sense to me at all. "Rationality will win in the end"? Doesn't that go against every thing he just said about people being dumb, and therefore presumably irrational? Does this mean that he is a Rumsfeld supporter? That seems to go against his claim for rationality too. I'm terribly confused by his disbelief in belief but believing in rational belief. And if Ironic Ian is right, and he meant Bush supporters are dumb, then that makes even less sense, since the Democrats seems to have spoken pretty loudly over the last two days.
Yes, even worse than the bad jokes and people who laugh at their own emails (seriously, Jesse, it wasn’t that funny), is the sinful pride that every single person in your office building is interested in hearing your political self-righteousness. And yes, some might say writing a blog commits a similar sin, but at least I’m not cluttering up your inbox with my incessant whining. ☺

Oh Snap!

I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when all hell broke loose. All of a sudden people are turning on CNN, and running up and down the aisles, yelling at the top of their lungs. For a second, I thought the British were coming (by land). But no. Britney has filed for divorce.
The timing of this announcement is particularly awesome, considering K-Fed's recent disgraces. First he gets booed off the stage at the WeHo carnival (can't believe I missed that!), then he filled his first tour venue to roughly one-sixth capacity (free ticket holders and curious tourists, allegedly). Now this. Way to kick him while he's down Brit. First smart thing you've done since... um... yeah, never mind. Oh, and I love the strategic planning of the makeover reveal on Letterman too. Salt, meet wound.

You Gotta Have Faith

Okay, Faith is getting a lot of flack over her reaction to Carrie Underwood’s win at last night’s CMA’s. People think she was honestly outraged by the American Idol beating her out for Female Vocalist of the Year. She claims it was a joke. Take a gander:



Now, I’ve never been a Faith Hill fan, and I couldn’t care less about Carrie Underwood. But come on. Clearly she was kidding. If she was really going to have a moment of bitchitude, don’t you think she would aim it somewhere other than directly into the camera that she clearly knows is still recording her?

This debacle reminds me of the Tom Hanks Oscar presentation, where people actually believed Tom came out on stage swearing at the M.C., who called him one of the nicest guys in Hollywood.



Do you think someone who has been around film and television, and the Oscars in particular, as much as Tom Hanks would make that kind of mistake? Come on now. Just because they’re celebrities, doesn’t mean they aren’t entitled to a little ironic levity!

The American Way

I hope you all make it out to the polls today, and exercise your right to be part of the democratic process. Seriously, please go, and pick up the slack because I will not be there. You want to know why? It’s because I am lazy, and voting is hard. Seriously. Politicians are always talking about how much your vote matters. A few more Gore votes in Florida and the world we’re living in today would be very different. That is a lot of pressure for a 26-year-old girl who is neither politically minded, nor particularly proactive. Add to this pressure all the lobbying and confusion surrounding the issues, and it becomes overwhelming. Take California’s Prop 87 (please).

Proposition 87
Alternative Energy. Research, Production, Incentives. Tax on California Oil Producers. Initiative Constitutional Amendment and Statute.
Summary: Establishes $4 billion program to reduce petroleum consumption through incentives for alternative energy, education and training. Funded by tax on California oil producers. Fiscal Impact: State oil tax revenues of $225 million to $485 million annually for alternative energy programs totaling $4 billion. State and local revenue reductions up to low tens of millions of dollars annually.
Well that all sounds lovely. Especially when Bill Clinton takes up the cause.




Not sure how it’s going to make our country safer, per se, but I like where he’s going with this. Okay, I’m in for 87. But wait, what's this? The firefighters are telling me it’s NOT good for our kids and will create MORE dependence on foreign oil! Now I don’t know who to believe.
Now multiply this by 13 propositions, plus the race for governor (although, Phil Angelides, I haven’t heard from you lately. Intimidated by the Governator? Or simply out of advertising funds?). It’s just much easier to stay at home. And yes, I almost always take the easy way out.

How gay is Ted Haggard?

I love how quickly Ted Haggard went from “I’ve never met the man” to “Oh, you meant my meth dealer/massage buddy.” It was almost as quick as the Evangelical Church’s
decision to remove him from his position as leader of the influential church.

Here he is in a quick clip from Jesus Camp, which film he later disowned, claiming it misrepresented the Evangelical faith.





Hey Ted, as long as you’re offering, I’ll take that thousand bucks.

Unrelated gay sidebar: didn’t we already know Doogie Howser was gay?

Mama always said…

People always talk about parental wisdom in the reverent tones that lend a sense of depth and meaning to even the simplest statements. If I told someone on a street bench that life was like a box of chocolates because “you never know what you’re gonna get,” I would certainly be greeted with eyerolls, and groans. But precede that with “Mama always said,” and you have philosophical gold. I don’t know what makes parents so particularly wise, but I do know that my mother has carefully chosen three bits of wisdom that she would like me to remember and live by.
1) Always brush your eyebrows up when you go on a date.
People usually look at me funny when I relay this one, and I can’t say that I blame them. I don’t know anyone who brushes their eyebrows up, ever. Perhaps it’s a holdover from the 1960’s, when my mother was of dating age. I have never brushed my eyebrows up. But then again, I am single. Maybe I should go buy an eyebrow brush.
2) Stay within your color family, and all your clothes will match.
Yeah, people generally don’t understand this one either, but it is very sound advice. Think about it. If you generally dress in cool shades of blue, green, black, etc, you can mix and match at will, and never have to worry about what you have to “go with” that shirt when you’re shopping. Of course, the Great Neutralizer (jeans) goes with everything, but still…
3) All men are assholes.
Aw mom. It’s so true… so true. This is the piece of wisdom I most often repeat, and pass on to friends. Sometimes I want to print it on a T-shirt, and throw fliers from the rooftops that say “Men = Assholes,” complete with crude diagrams. Other times, I just quietly shake my head in silent agreement with my mom. I would love more than anything to believe it’s not true, but sorry guys. All evidence to the contrary.
Take for instance, the guy who dumped my friend after THREE WEEKS of dating, because she wasn’t “the one,” and then literally ran away from her when she happened to see him on the street a few weeks later.
Or how about the guy who removed me from his myspace top eight friends two days before actually having the guts to break up with me?
How about the guy who stood my sister up on Valentine’s Day because he met some other girl on earlier that day, whom he decided to take out instead?
I could go on and on in this vein, but you can see where I am headed.
Okay, I know there are guys out there who are angrily decreeing that they are “one of the good ones!” Girls want bad boys and nice guys finish last. Blah blah blah, schmoopycakes. I call bullshit. You know what that is about? That is just guys who were more in love with the girl, than she was with him, and he had his heart broken. I guarantee you that if you gave that “nice guy” a girl whom he was not at all interested in, the 180 turn to asshole would make your head spin. Because men are not equipped with the ability to function on a certain level of humanity. There I said it.