I’m Back!

Ah, back home and comfy at last. There is so much news to catch up on, but as I warm my feet by a crackling fire, I am robbed of the will to wax witty on the events of the past week. Here is a brief roundup:

The world bid adieu to President Ford and the Godfather of Soul, James Brown. I think some other people died too, but I don’t know who they are.

The Governator shattered his leg while standing stock still on his skis. I think I might revise my weekend plans… can you break a hip making snow angels?

Jake and Maggie, I am glad you’re safe tonight!

Meanwhile, this little blog has been quoted internationally! I’m a hit in the UK!

And a partridge in a pear tree!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Two turtledoves

Ah yes, everybody’s favorite turtledoves, Tom and Katie, are wishing you a very Merry Christmas too. And in case you don’t believe me, you can go down to Hollywood Blvd and witness the glory that is L. Ron Hubbard’s Winter Wonderland. No, I am not kidding. I got my picture taken with Santa, and I didn’t have to make a donation, take a personality test, hook up to an e-meter, or vow to dedicate my life to a thetan-free existence. Very generous of you, Scientologists! Merry Christmas Xenu!

An Early Christmas

I’ll be on “vacation” as of three o’clock this afternoon, and therefore may not be able to post the final two installments of the Twelve Days of Christmas Extravaganza that has no doubt entertained and cheer-a-fied you all up until now. Rather than chance it, I am going to just post the last two days now, and trust you all not to open until Christmas. On your honor now! Santa will know!

Three French Hens

I couldn’t let an entire Holiday season pass without posting a little something on the Greatest Christmas Movie Featuring Keanu Reeves and Drew Barrymore Singing a Song About Cincinnati of all time! Just a warning, you will not be able to watch the film without craving cookies for at least twenty-four hours afterwards.

Four calling birds...

With all the Christmas hoopla, I almost forgot to pay tribute to the Other Winter Holiday: Hanukkah! Or, as I like to call it, Chanukah (because I am a big fan of extraneous c’s). So, even though this is the 6th day of Chanukah, and the clip has nothing to do with calling birds, I hope you enjoy it, nonetheless. Shalom! A gezunt ahf dein kop! A glick ahf dir!

Five Gold Rings!

Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men? Well, how about a clockwork train?



This is the second half of the above clip, in case you are like me, and just can’t get enough of Eddie Izzard.

Stars, They’re Just Like Us: 6 Days of Christmas Edition

What do you get for the guy who has everything? Cashmere socks, a tea set, and a wind chime. At least, that is what Jake Gyllenhaal’s parents got him for Christmas. How do I know, you ask? Bear witness to an IM conversation I just had with One Lucky Bitch:

OLB: [I just saw] the entire Gyllenhaal family, including Peter and the baby!! They literally sat 4 feet away from us at the next table. AND I know what Jake got for Christmas
Me: Noooooo! WHAT?? How did Jake look?? What is their baby's name? Ramona?
OLB: Something like that. Anyways, he got...
Me: (please say underwear)
OLB: A pair of cashmere socks, a british tea set, and a hanging garden wooden chime.
Me: How totally sweet
OLB: And slightly gay. Jake looked adorable in his grey Polo cardigan
Me: Aw, I love him.
OLB: Famke Janson was there too but at a different table
Me: eh, we don't care about her

So there you have it friends, you are the first to know how Jake’s tootsies are being kept warm this winter. Enjoy this pic of him all decked out for the holidays.




UPDATE:For the record, they were at Angelini's on Beverly. And also, today is Jake's birthday, so please mentally change all above "holiday" references to "birthday."

Six geese a-laying...

Oh, if only the The Asian American Journalists Association could see this! Ralphie would be getting more than an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle for Christmas!

Seven Swans A-Swimming...

Just because Lost is on hiatus for the winter, doesn’t mean you can’t have a little vague, confusing, should-mean-something-but-really-only-makes-you-feel-stupid Dharma Initiative in your holiday season!

Eight Maids A-Milking...

Most of the stuff google turned up for “Milk Maids” was pornographic, so you’re going to have to content yourself with this Happy Cows cheese commercial. Merry 8th day of Christmas!

Nine ladies dancing...

Since today is Friday, and I typically don’t post on weekends, I thought I would give you all your ninth day of Christmas present a tad early. If you haven’t already, go out and see The Holiday this weekend! It’s emotionally draining, but so completely worth it. And yes, in the spirit of nine ladies dancing, Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet do get their groove on in the film.

Rocky Roadface

I am so sorry to interrupt my nonstop Twelve Days of Christmas coverage, but am I the only one who has been wondering what meant grinder ran over Sylvester Stallone’s face recently? I mean, the man seriously looks like a he was attacked by a new strain of botox wielding killer bees. I was willing to write it off as unfortunate, Tara Reid-style trauma-inducing plastic surgery, but now I have a better explanation: Genetics.



Yes, that is Sly’s mom, Jackie. It all makes so much sense now. I don’t know about you, but I feel better… or I would, if I wasn’t haunted by the inexplicable resemblance to Marie Osmond.

Ten Lords a Leaping…

Okay, he doesn’t leap here, and sadly, there is only one of him, but I am pretty sure Ioan has played a Lord at some point. At the very least, you can find enjoyment in the sexiest voice I have ever heard, reciting a snippet from Dylan Thomas’s A Child’s Christmas in Wales.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas...

Technically, 12 Drummers Drumming was yesterday, but you can click here to listen to and download Greg Laswell's gorgeous rendition of Little Drummer Boy. Don't worry, he assured me that no Drummer Boys were harmed in the making of the song.

A Scrubby Little Christmas

Only twelve days until Christmas, and what better way to kick start the festivities than with a little Charlie Brown? Okay, I don’t really like Charlie Brown, so I decided to post a Charlie Brown Christmas as told by the cast of Scrubs. And if you like that show, you should find this hilarious. If you don’t like it… what the heck is wrong with you? It’s one of the best sitcoms on TV! Philistine!

Sorry! Or, as they say in China, “Ching Chong!”

Rosie O’Donnell is catching some serious flack with The Asian American Journalists Association for this clip:


The AAJA says, “We feel strongly that it is our responsibility to call attention to what we consider a mockery of the Chinese language and, in effect, a perpetuation of stereotypes of Asian Americans as foreigners or second-class citizens. The use of the distorted phrases is insulting to the Chinese and Chinese Americans and gives the impression that they are a group that is substandard to English-speaking people.”

First of all, she wasn't talking about Asian Americans, she was referencing a pretend newscast in China. Secondly, she did not imply that they were second-rate, she just outed herself as having no concept of how to speak Chinese. So, when put on the spot she resorted to some “funny” noises. Big whoop. Next thing you know, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is gonna come over and yell at me when I ask the busboy for a “glass-o of water-o.” Oh my god! I’m racist too! Someone call Cesar Chavez!

So Wrong and Sorry

Dear Nicole,
I owe you an apology. About a month ago, I posted an item saying you had your gastric bypass reversed, and would likely be gaining copious amounts of fast food induced weight. Well, according to your booking sheet, you are hanging in there at 85 lbs. Boy is my face red. Well done, Nicole. Well done.
Oh, but just so you know, you don’t have to go to these drastic measures to put me in my place. A phone call will suffice. You know how to reach me.
Also, I was talking to someone the other day, and he said that he thought you would be the first to die, beating out Paris, Britney, and Lindsay. Now let's try to prove him wrong, shall we? Thanks gf.
-- Megan

Like A Virgo

Must be a slow news day for celebrity gossip site, TMZ.com. They are heading a story about Madonna and Guy Ritchie with the following lead in:

“As Madonna and man-toy Guy Ritchie approach their six year wedding anniversary, rumors continue to swirl that their marriage is close to the ‘borderline.’”

I was settling in for some serious gossip, so you can imagine my disappointment to read what amounted to a celebrity horoscope and a cheap excuse to use as many Madonna song title clichés as they could think of.

“According to AOL Horoscopes, her Madgesty, a Leo born August 16, is someone who wants constant praise. Shocking! Unfortunately, Virgos like Guy tend to be very critical and don't readily give unwarranted praise. Luckily, stars say the duo "could find some common ground in the bedroom." Like a virgin!
While the mother of three is "more likely to quibble over Guy's choice of words than to address the larger issues at hand," Ritchie is still able to make Madonna feel "like she's the center of the universe." Guy knows that hell hath no fury like a Material Girl scorned! Perhaps a vacation on La Isla Bonita would help?
The astrological forecast says that if the Ciccone-Ritchies can make it work until July, their marriage should make it ... and they can justify their love.”

Snooze! Come back to me, TMZ, when you have something a tad more interesting – like Sister Cleo and Dione Warwick duking it out over whether Madge’s Moon is in the Seventh House.

That’s Right, I Totally Know Where Peru Is

If you want to feel like an uneducated American, take this little
geography quiz. Man, there are a lot of countries in Africa. Who knew? Also, I don’t like how they never tell you the right answers. Now I’ll never know where the Azerbaijan Republic is!

KROQtroversy

With all the holiday/birthday hubbub, I almost forgot what time of year it is! No, not Christmas. It’s time for KROQ’s annual Miss Double-December contest, wherein woman compete to show off their boobs in exchange for free admission to all of KROQ’s events (hey, if you got it, flaunt it, especially if it gets you into the Weenie Roast). I’m not particularly on board with the contest, but the other morning I heard something that caught me off guard. The Miss Double-December theme song is crass (as you can imagine), and contains the line “my penis is getting hard.” They’ve been playing this contest theme song for years without editing. But the other morning, they suddenly started dropping the word “penis.” Apparently someone complained. Then this morning, I received an email from a friend, asking me to write a letter of complaint to likewecare@kroq.com. He felt, as I do, that “penis” is a perfectly acceptable, clinical word, and we shouldn’t be forced to censor any mention of sex and genitalia from our society. Besides, the word “genitalia” is far grosser than “penis.” So, I wrote the following letter to KROQ. If you’re on board with this cause, feel free to join in.

Subject: Unnecessary censoring of Miss Double December Theme Song

To Whom It May Concern:

It astounds me that a KROQ listener would be offended by the word “penis,” when your entire show is centered around making fun of Mexicans, retards, stoners, Bean, and the occasional fatty. Furthermore, the theme song is probably the LEAST offensive part of a contest that encourages women to send in scantily clad photos of themselves, in the hopes that their breasts will be chosen to represent your radio program in the following year.
More shocking, however, is that any of you gave a damn. The Kevin and Bean I know and love would’ve read the complaint on air, then had The King of Mexico go out on the street and yell “penis” at people to gauge their reactions. I am shaking my head at you in disappointment. If I didn’t want to hear the word penis in the morning, I would listen to KOST 103.5.

Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan

I don’t remember the last time Lindsay Lohan entertained me, but that is not the point. Defamer.com has a blackberry missive that Lindsay apparently sent to God knows who (maybe everyone in her address book?), imploring them to help her in her fight against the tabloids. For what? I’m not entirely sure. Read it for yourself, and let me know what you come up with, but here are a few tasty excerpts:
“Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said.
I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help.
Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people.
…
Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say.
Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point.
I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them.
…
I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone.
…
I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak.
Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing.
Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask.
So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future.
Thank you for your time.
Your Entertainer,
Lindsay Lohan
Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.”

It’s just as I always feared. Lindsay Lohan is one of THOSE people. You know, the kind who was a precocious child, always told how smart they were, but then never received any semblance of an education, killed whatever brain cells they once had with excessive partying, and are now too dumb to realize that they ARE one of those “unintelligent, vulgar” people they are talking about. I weep for the “way of the future.”

Kitty Contortionist

Wow. If my cat could have done this, I would never have sent her to live in North Dakota with those nice farmers.

The Three Disgraces

Page Six is really re-defining the Blind Item genre to something more like a “if you squint really hard, you might not immediately be able to tell who we’re talking about” item. Their newest, thinly veiled “Just Asking” column:
WHICH recently separated celeb has a new habit to go along with her new friends? The cutie is spending way too much time in the bathroom of the many clubs she visits, hoovering down cocaine that her pals supply her with . . . WHICH hard-partying Hollywood starlet has club cocktail waitresses fueling rumors of rehab by whispering that the actress cuts her coke with strawberry Quik? . . . WHICH new pair of best friends are actually more? When they get back to their hotels or homes, the clothes come off."
If you have access to the internet, a television, gossipy co-workers, smoke signals, or sky writing, this should not be too difficult to figure out. And just incase you’re reading this blog by candlelight, because you are Amish and don’t believe in any of the above (shout out, Lancaster County! I want my hat back!), the answers are Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton & Britney Spears, respectively. Or, as they are better known, the Three Disgraces.

Happy Birthday to Me

Chris Rock is Psychic

Watch this little video, and remember a time when OJ Simpson selling his murder confession was the stuff of mildly funny opening material for comedians with late night talk shows. So, not much has changed in the last ten years.

He Looka Likea Man

I love how Keanu Reeves isn't afraid to look homeless in public. Or maybe it's his disguise, so crazed fans don't run up to him and pretend like they know him, and call him incessantly, and then get really really sad when he doesn’t return their calls, but still vow to love him till eternity, even when certain Welsh actors threaten to take over his place in their hearts. What? It’s not me. It’s someone I know.






In an unrelated story, whose hand is that in the foreground? Do I have to smack a bitch??

Boy is His Face Allred!

According to TMZ, Michael Richards is planning to meet with the hecklers he offended at the Laugh Factory a few weeks ago.

Michael Richards has agreed to settle his dispute with the men he offended during his racist rant last month at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. Richards and Gloria Allred, the lawyer for the two patrons, issued the following joint statement:
“Michael Richards would like to apologize in person to the gentleman with whom he had the exchange in the club. After discussions with Gloria Allred, an attorney who represents the man and three others who were with him that night, Michael has agreed that they will all meet in the presence of a retired judge who will facilitate the meeting and help the parties resolve this matter. All concerned are hopeful that a face-to-face meeting will be constructive and begin the necessary process of healing and closure."
No word on whether money will exchange hands.

Okay, great, he’s apologizing. It’s about time, really. But why is Gloria Allred involved? Why would there be any “money exchanging hands”? Last time I checked, Kramer’s angry rant would be covered by a little thing I like the call the Constitution of the United States. Freedom of speech: heard of it? Yes, it was offensive and wrong, but not slanderous. Michael Richards wasn’t accusing the men of anything. He was just being an asshole. And part of what makes our country great, is that assholes are allowed to spout their crap whenever and wherever they want. Just ask the homeless guy who lives in front of Baja Fresh and screams insults at me when I walk by. Of course, if he had Seinfeld residuals, I might consider suing him too.