A Cry for Help

Yesterday I posted the following plea on my myspace blog:

Hello Friends,
I was tempted to start a chain letter to get the word out about this rather serious issue, but I didn't think you'd take it seriously. I would like to start a petition to ask Britney Spears to put on some damned underwear. Because you and I should not have to live in a world where we are inundated with pictures of Britney Spears' vagina every time we log on to Defamer.com. I was willing to let it go the first two times, but now it's just too much. Please add your comment in support of my petition, and feel free to pass this post around. I think this is an important issue, and our chance to make our generational contribution.
Thanks,
Megan






And now it looks like Rosie O’Donnell from The View is taking up my cause! Check out the video on TMZ.com (sorry, they won’t let me imbed it). If you’d like to voice your support of this movement, please click here.

I See Dead People

This image is appearing on the bottoms of pools all across Australia, as part of their campaign to “Raise awareness of and provide knowledge to parents of what constitutes appropriate levels of supervision of children.” In other words, to scare the crap out of them, and their kids. Look at the poor little boy eyeballing that poster. No wonder he’s hightailing it out of that pool! Mark my words, an entire generation of Australians will be land-bound for life after this. Way to go, Royal Life Saving Society!

One Bank

I have never been so proud to be a Bank of America customer.

Rosie Outs Clay Aiken

So, Rosie jumps right to homophobia? Clay Aiken is not out of the closet, and as such, if he is gay, what Rosie O’Donnell did there is much more damaging than Kelly Rippa telling him to keep his filthy paws off her. Seriously, in the course of a conversation later today, put your hand over the mouth of the person who is talking and see what happens. Clay Aiken is lucky Kelly Ripa didn’t punch him in the face. I certainly would have.
Also, I love how Rosie and the rest of the cast of the View claim they have “never questioned Clay’s sexuality.” Because if I rewind the film about 30 seconds, that is exactly what she just did. If by “question” you mean “call him a homo.” Oh, and ugly too. How can we forgot the ugly?
But I think the real story here, is who is that woman next to Rosie, and what died her head? That is the worst wig I have ever seen on national television, and yes, that includes Donald Trump’s.

The Greatest American Holiday

Thanksgiving is upon us! And because nothing was on television last night, I ended up watching Home For the Holidays: The History of Thanksgiving, on the History Channel. I know, I know, my life is a nonstop party. But it was actually quite interesting, and I learned some things I didn’t know before. For instance, did you know that Franklin Roosevelt moved Thanksgiving up a week, in an effort to jumpstart the depressed economy with prolonged Christmas spending? And did you know that there were no pies at the first Thanksgiving, because the pilgrims didn’t have ovens? Poor suckers.

Perhaps the best point made by the documentary, one that hadn’t occurred to me, is that Thanksgiving really is the last great American holiday. It has not been commercialized like Christmas, you don’t have to be pressured into going to church, you don’t have to worry about what presents to buy for people you don’t really know. Rather, it’s just a time for your family and friends to gather around the same table, load their plates with carby deliciousness, and just be thankful for what you have.

And if you find yourself all alone this holiday season (like I was on the Worst Thanksgiving Ever – deserted by my family, with strep throat, too weak to open my Gatorade bottle), take heart. At least you’re not having Thanksgiving with this guy.

Racism is the new black

Except instead of being slimming and going with everything, it’s offensive and a potential career-ender. Michael “Kramer” Richards is jumping on the Mel Gibson-helmed bandwagon, with a barrage of n-words during his performance at the Laugh Factory last week. Someone in the audience caught it on video, so you can see for yourself how crazy he seems.
I was never a big fan of Kramer, slapstick isn’t really my thing, so I am not too familiar with his comic stylings. I find it interesting, however, that you can hear laughter from the audience through most of the video. I don’t know if it’s shocked disbelief-type laughter, or if this spew of hatred was somehow related to whatever went on in his act before the video started. But I do know that Michael Richards seems like an angry, bitter little man, no doubt as a result of fans repeatedly asking him if he's going commando and "LOVIN EVERY MINUTE OF IT."
Here's a clip with Michael Richards, from happier times.

Breaking News: Paris Hilton Sucks

I think it’s hilarious that people are lauding Tina Fey as a hero for telling Howard Stern that Paris Hilton is a “piece of shit.” Check out the transcript of her interview, where she claims that Hilton is “unbelievably dumb” with hair “like a Fraggle.” Okay, that is funny, but the best part is the user comments at the bottom of the page.
7:09 PM Babygreens Says:
Tina Fey is awesome! It was about time someone spoke the truth about Miss Nothing Paris Hilton. Go Tina!!!
6:29 PM lovely m Says:
hahahaha..thats soooo great!!! finally someone says it how it is---PARIS HILTON IS AN IDIOT!!!!!! shes soooo pathetic!!! i agree with all of you--TINA FEY IS NOW MY HERO!!!!!
[And so on.]
“About time someone told the truth”? Have Babygreens and Lovely M been living in a parallel universe where Paris Hilton is somehow revered? Are they really shocked and amazed by Tina’s assessment of the heirhead? Because I am pretty sure that Paris Hilton has never been called anything but dumb and worthless, ever since she was born. Seriously, this is not news. If Tina Fey said anything else, she would be written off as an ass-kissing fraud. Love you though, Tina! Call me!

Stars Wars is still just a movie, right?

“The UN International Day of Tolerance, which takes place annually on November 16, is aimed at emphasising the dangers of intolerance and promoting integration and cohesion across the globe.

Umada, 27, and Yunyun, 24, both from London, want the day to be renamed the ‘Interstellar Day of Tolerance’ to reflect millions of people across the globe who have chosen to follow the Jedi code as a religion and truly reflect social diversity.

Umada and Yunyun said: ‘For the last ten years the United Nations has marked the International Day of Tolerance. While we support this important work, we feel the UN needs to move with the times.

‘Like the UN, the Jedi Knights are peacekeepers and we feel we have the basic right to express our religion through wearing our robes, and to be recognised by the national and international community. We therefore are calling upon the United Nations Association to change November 16 to the UN Interstellar Day of Tolerance, to reflect the religious make-up of our twenty-first century civilisation. Tolerance is about respecting difference where ever it lies, including other galaxies. Please don't exclude us from your important work. May the Force be with you.’

In the 2001 UK Census 390,000 people listed their religion as Jedi Knight making it the fourth biggest belief in the country.”

Who would have thought that a cat having puppies would not be the strangest thing in UK news today? At least the vow of chastity won’t be a problem for the members of this “religion.”

Cat/Dog

Yes, friends, the end of the world is near. I don’t even know what to say about this, except I really hope it’s a hoax.

Would You Rather…

Glamour magazine has decided to capitalize on the trend sweeping the nation (and by “nation,” I mean “grade school sleepovers”) by publishing a “would you rather” poll. Let’s take it together, shall we?





Click on the survey above to see the average responses (the answers in pink are mine).

Oh, she'll Explore Ya!

Isn't it someone's job to make sure things like this... well... don't look like this?

Not that Innocent

Okay, I wasn’t going to talk about this, because I was hoping that if I squeezed my eyes closed and hummed really loud, the Britney and K-Fed sex tape would cease to exist. But now I hear that the czar of celebrity sex tapes, David Hans Schmidt is offering $100 million for the four hour long sexy-time marathon. Let me put that image out of my mind long enough to remind Britney that Kevin offered to sell her the tape for $30 million, plus custody of their little rugrats. Girlfriend, if I were you, I would take him up on the offer, then sell the tape for the cool $100 mil. That gets you $70 million in profits, AND you get rid of the kiddos! Not bad for four hours worth of work. And let’s face it, those kids will turn up on your doorstep before you even knew they were gone. Speaking of which, where are those kids? Has anyone seen them?

Tom Cruise is inhuman

Does anyone remember when Tom Cruise saved some jet skiers from some kind of terrible water sport related accident? I can’t recall the details, but I do remember that he was widely regarded as some kind of real-life action hero. And he was all demur about it, like, “oh anyone would have done the same.”
Well, Mr. Anyone Would Have Done It, when you see a toddler getting trampled on by the mob of paparazzi that is there to film you in your daily walking/breathing exhibition, would it not be a reflex to save the kid? I don’t like to bestow a heightened sense of morality on celebrities just because they are famous, but I think it would be anyone’s instinct to lunge for the kid. Especially a parent of three!
Watch this video and see for yourself how blasé he is about the whole thing.

Nicole Richie is an idiot

From yesterday’s Page Six:
“WHICH young Hollywood starlet had secret gastric bypass surgery, but then lost too much weight? During a recent four-day stint at a health clinic, she was actually having an operation to remove the bypass.”

Page Six is redefining the phrase “blind item” to mean “anyone with a pair of eyes and a working brain cell could figure this out” item. I heard this rumor a few weeks ago, and it made absolute and total sense. So much so, that I considered it my duty to spread it around as much as possible. Nicole has never been anything but super sweet to me, even when I was blamed for not getting her the 8,000 square foot trailer that was custom built for Robert DeNiro, thus screwing up the entire video shoot we were working on. But you know what? I didn’t steal her Sidekick when I had the opportunity, so I think we’re even. Now I can pass this “rumor” on with a clear conscience. She’s not anorexic. She’s not bulimic. She’s not doing heroin. She’s just a vain idiot, who jumped on the gastric bypass bandwagon when DJ AM did it, and later learned that it is perhaps not the best way to lose a little post-rehab weight.
Now that she’s corrected the procedure, let’s start a pool to see how long before her addiction to fast food catches up to her. I’ll take 3 weeks.

Strange Things Are Afoot at The Circle K

It’s been eight years since I graduated high school. That may not seem like a very long time to some people, but apparently, it’s long enough for there to have been a cultural revolution, the likes of which this country has never seen before.
I am not talking about school shootings, or illiteracy rates, or any of that nonsense. No, what I am talking about has the power to shake the earth to its core, upsetting the balance of power that governs our country, and the global community as a whole. Friends, I am sorry to be the one to tell you this, but the Nerds have finally exacted their Revenge. Yes, Robert Carradine tried to warn you in 1984 (and in 1987 , and 1992 , and 1994 ), but you didn’t listen. Now we will all pay the price.
I went to see Islands at the Henry Fonda Theater on Friday, and was unendingly disturbed by what I found there. Not the band, they were awesome. Rather, it was the crowd that I found so disconcerting. You know you’re heading for trouble when you need a wristband to buy a drink – all ages shows always make me feel a little old and stodgy. The crowd was comprised almost entirely of kids who looked like they might have to be home before the streetlights come on. In fact, one kid who honestly looked about 9, was there with his mom. But that seemed almost normal when I started to look around the room.
The girls all seemed pretty hip, to use a word that will completely alienate me from said hipsters. They were all pretty, appropriately punked-out, for such an occasion, and seemed like the kind of girl who you would want to just cram their lollipop down their throat if you had to sit behind them in home room. The guys on the other hand… well, I’ll let this picture speak their thousand words.





The oddity is not that these two classes were existing peacefully next to one another. No. They were mingling. They were touching. Dare I say it, they were flirting. I actually saw the guy pictured left, touch one of the hot girls (we’ll call her Ashley) on the waist, as he whispered into her ear.
I know, I know, it makes your head spin. Maybe these guys finally figured out how to make their home computer bring their Lisa doll to life. Except they make Anthony Michael Hall look like Wilmer Valderrama, with fewer STDs.
I don’t know how it happened, but mark my words. The Revolution has begun. The future is Nerds.

Stars, they drink coffee too!

Picking up where I left off on Friday, I would like to report a celebrity sighting. While wading through the debacle that was my Monday morning, I spotted Sara Evans at the Coffee Bean on the corner of Third and La Cienega. She was accompanied by her three kids (I assume they were hers), and a woman who was probably the nanny.
When I say, "I spotted," I must clarify that I have no real idea who Sara Evans is, and therefore would not recognize her if she was wearing a name tag that said, "Hello My Name Is: Sara Evans, you might remember me as the unrecognizable one from Dancing With the Stars, and I am also rumored to be a Country Music MegaStar." Once again, my friend Maggie, Celebrity Eagle Eye, is to credit.

Stars, They’re Just Like Us!

I would like to kick off a new section of this blog, in which I tell you what celebrities I see around town, and you can either die of envy, or roll your eyes at how celeb-obsessed our “culture” is. Ahem:
I was walking (yes walking, what is this world coming to?) past Ammo about 5 minutes ago, when my friend subtly whispered, “to your left”, because she’s not good with the whole body=clock concept. I looked, and there was Kirsten Dunst sitting on the outside patio, with a female friend. Kirsten’s hair was short, and she was smiling, telling a story. She looked radiantly healthy, much better than last time I saw her, at the Grove. I don’t know why people pick on her. I think she’s cute, in a very “I hate her because she gets to make out with Tobey Maguire” kind of way.





Oh, and this comes just days after some of my coworkers were outside Ammo, and Orlando Bloom tried to bum a cigarette. Apparently, Highland & Lexington is the place to be seen!

Mid morning pick me up!

If you have a bunch of nosy coworkers around your desk, don't click this link. Unless you want to make them blush, look away, then timidly IM you asking for the link.
Also, don't ask how I found this....

Jesus, what a Fallout!

Does anyone else feel like the earth has suddenly reversed its orbit in the last week or so? Or, at the very least, slowed its downward spiral? First the Foley scandal, then Ted Haggard’s “outing,” the election results, and resignation of Rumsfeld… suddenly so many liberals have hope, in what seemed just a few months ago like a dismal Bushocracy.
When the documentary film, Jesus Camp, hit theaters a couple of months ago, people everywhere, of all religions, rose up and decreed it a shining example of everything that is wrong with conservatism in America. And the movie itself dispels any hope the viewer has that Evangelicals are a small, powerless subset of America. The now infamous Ted Haggard states that there are 30 million Evangelical Christians in America, and if they vote, they win the election. Scary thought, especially given the kind of Bush-worshipping fanaticism the movie portrays.
No one is claiming that “Jesus Camp” represents all Evangelicals (thank God), but the images conjured up in the film have lead people to respond with claims of “brainwashing,” “child abuse,” and even drawn parallels to Nazi boot camps. Several months of this outcry has lead to the closing of Pastor Becky Fischer’s “Kids on Fire” summer camp.
I am shocked, given the “what are you gonna do about it” zeal exhibited by Fischer. But I can’t say that I am not a little relieved. Perhaps there is hope for our little nation yet.

The Monkey is on the Branch

Just a little something to entertain you for a few minutes. If you get all the way to the end, you'll see why I love this clip.

Is it just me?

Or is anyone else really starting to like K-Fed?

Can't Get Enough of the Mode

I'm always about ten years behind the music trends, so I didn't discover Depeche Mode until well into the 90's. So, when I see things like this, I am always struck anew by how dorky they really were (are? were?). I'm still totally turned on, though.

Don’t cc me, I don’t care

So, Rumsfeld is stepping down. Now, I don’t know anything about this Robert Gates, other than that he used to head up the CIA (wiretapping, anyone?), but I can only hope this is a statement on how much our country is trying to change. Election years always result in a little skeleton/closet cleaning, but it seems like the past few weeks have resulted in a ridiculous number of corpses piling up.
Now, I’m not actually blogging about Rumsfeld just for the sake of it. I just needed to give the following rant a little context. You see, lately, I have added another pet peeve to my rather large collection of neuroses. Falling under the category of “people who think they are funny, but indeed, are not” comes the increasingly annoying gaffe of hitting reply all to a mass email, when writing a quick retort intended for the person who sent the email.
Take for example, the following email chain I was lately subjected to, along with about 83 other people at my company (names have been changed to protect the innocent).

Subject: Oh Happy Day

Town Crier: RUMSFELD IS STEPPING DOWN! ONE DOWN TWO TO GO.

Democrat Dan: there IS a God!!

Captain Bringdown: No, there isn't a god. The problem in America is the American people. The average American is rather dumb and holds false beliefs. The problem is that, half of America is dumber than that. Rationality will win in the end.

Democrat Dan: Way to be optimistic [Captain Bringdown]!

Sadly Not Me: Unsubscribe

Anonymous Annie:





Self Righteous Bob: Yes, there is a god, and he better see [Captain Bringdown] on Sunday.

Hopefully Ironic Ian: I am certain [Captain Bringdown] meant the average 'merican that voted for G.W. Bush are rather dumb and dumber. RUMSFELD RULES! GO Arnold! woooohhooooo!

Johnny Afterthefact (responding to “there is a god”): and her name is nancy.......

Jesse Jokester: No, Nancy is the tranny just outside the back door. HA!, HA!, HA!

Levity Larry: No, that is Mancy. Sweet fellow. Cheap too.

Levity Larry: No, that is Mancy. Sweet fellow. Cheap too. [because once wasn’t enough, he had to send it twice]

So, this is what has been cluttering up my email box all day. I try to delete them as fast as I get them, but I had to step into a meeting, and I came back to 7 of these reply all messages that have nothing to do with anything, especially not official work purposes. But I think the part that irks me the most, is this Captain Bringdown character. His argument doesn’t make any sense to me at all. "Rationality will win in the end"? Doesn't that go against every thing he just said about people being dumb, and therefore presumably irrational? Does this mean that he is a Rumsfeld supporter? That seems to go against his claim for rationality too. I'm terribly confused by his disbelief in belief but believing in rational belief. And if Ironic Ian is right, and he meant Bush supporters are dumb, then that makes even less sense, since the Democrats seems to have spoken pretty loudly over the last two days.
Yes, even worse than the bad jokes and people who laugh at their own emails (seriously, Jesse, it wasn’t that funny), is the sinful pride that every single person in your office building is interested in hearing your political self-righteousness. And yes, some might say writing a blog commits a similar sin, but at least I’m not cluttering up your inbox with my incessant whining. ☺

Oh Snap!

I was just sitting here, minding my own business, when all hell broke loose. All of a sudden people are turning on CNN, and running up and down the aisles, yelling at the top of their lungs. For a second, I thought the British were coming (by land). But no. Britney has filed for divorce.
The timing of this announcement is particularly awesome, considering K-Fed's recent disgraces. First he gets booed off the stage at the WeHo carnival (can't believe I missed that!), then he filled his first tour venue to roughly one-sixth capacity (free ticket holders and curious tourists, allegedly). Now this. Way to kick him while he's down Brit. First smart thing you've done since... um... yeah, never mind. Oh, and I love the strategic planning of the makeover reveal on Letterman too. Salt, meet wound.

You Gotta Have Faith

Okay, Faith is getting a lot of flack over her reaction to Carrie Underwood’s win at last night’s CMA’s. People think she was honestly outraged by the American Idol beating her out for Female Vocalist of the Year. She claims it was a joke. Take a gander:



Now, I’ve never been a Faith Hill fan, and I couldn’t care less about Carrie Underwood. But come on. Clearly she was kidding. If she was really going to have a moment of bitchitude, don’t you think she would aim it somewhere other than directly into the camera that she clearly knows is still recording her?

This debacle reminds me of the Tom Hanks Oscar presentation, where people actually believed Tom came out on stage swearing at the M.C., who called him one of the nicest guys in Hollywood.



Do you think someone who has been around film and television, and the Oscars in particular, as much as Tom Hanks would make that kind of mistake? Come on now. Just because they’re celebrities, doesn’t mean they aren’t entitled to a little ironic levity!

The American Way

I hope you all make it out to the polls today, and exercise your right to be part of the democratic process. Seriously, please go, and pick up the slack because I will not be there. You want to know why? It’s because I am lazy, and voting is hard. Seriously. Politicians are always talking about how much your vote matters. A few more Gore votes in Florida and the world we’re living in today would be very different. That is a lot of pressure for a 26-year-old girl who is neither politically minded, nor particularly proactive. Add to this pressure all the lobbying and confusion surrounding the issues, and it becomes overwhelming. Take California’s Prop 87 (please).

Proposition 87
Alternative Energy. Research, Production, Incentives. Tax on California Oil Producers. Initiative Constitutional Amendment and Statute.
Summary: Establishes $4 billion program to reduce petroleum consumption through incentives for alternative energy, education and training. Funded by tax on California oil producers. Fiscal Impact: State oil tax revenues of $225 million to $485 million annually for alternative energy programs totaling $4 billion. State and local revenue reductions up to low tens of millions of dollars annually.
Well that all sounds lovely. Especially when Bill Clinton takes up the cause.




Not sure how it’s going to make our country safer, per se, but I like where he’s going with this. Okay, I’m in for 87. But wait, what's this? The firefighters are telling me it’s NOT good for our kids and will create MORE dependence on foreign oil! Now I don’t know who to believe.
Now multiply this by 13 propositions, plus the race for governor (although, Phil Angelides, I haven’t heard from you lately. Intimidated by the Governator? Or simply out of advertising funds?). It’s just much easier to stay at home. And yes, I almost always take the easy way out.

How gay is Ted Haggard?

I love how quickly Ted Haggard went from “I’ve never met the man” to “Oh, you meant my meth dealer/massage buddy.” It was almost as quick as the Evangelical Church’s
decision to remove him from his position as leader of the influential church.

Here he is in a quick clip from Jesus Camp, which film he later disowned, claiming it misrepresented the Evangelical faith.





Hey Ted, as long as you’re offering, I’ll take that thousand bucks.

Unrelated gay sidebar: didn’t we already know Doogie Howser was gay?

Mama always said…

People always talk about parental wisdom in the reverent tones that lend a sense of depth and meaning to even the simplest statements. If I told someone on a street bench that life was like a box of chocolates because “you never know what you’re gonna get,” I would certainly be greeted with eyerolls, and groans. But precede that with “Mama always said,” and you have philosophical gold. I don’t know what makes parents so particularly wise, but I do know that my mother has carefully chosen three bits of wisdom that she would like me to remember and live by.
1) Always brush your eyebrows up when you go on a date.
People usually look at me funny when I relay this one, and I can’t say that I blame them. I don’t know anyone who brushes their eyebrows up, ever. Perhaps it’s a holdover from the 1960’s, when my mother was of dating age. I have never brushed my eyebrows up. But then again, I am single. Maybe I should go buy an eyebrow brush.
2) Stay within your color family, and all your clothes will match.
Yeah, people generally don’t understand this one either, but it is very sound advice. Think about it. If you generally dress in cool shades of blue, green, black, etc, you can mix and match at will, and never have to worry about what you have to “go with” that shirt when you’re shopping. Of course, the Great Neutralizer (jeans) goes with everything, but still…
3) All men are assholes.
Aw mom. It’s so true… so true. This is the piece of wisdom I most often repeat, and pass on to friends. Sometimes I want to print it on a T-shirt, and throw fliers from the rooftops that say “Men = Assholes,” complete with crude diagrams. Other times, I just quietly shake my head in silent agreement with my mom. I would love more than anything to believe it’s not true, but sorry guys. All evidence to the contrary.
Take for instance, the guy who dumped my friend after THREE WEEKS of dating, because she wasn’t “the one,” and then literally ran away from her when she happened to see him on the street a few weeks later.
Or how about the guy who removed me from his myspace top eight friends two days before actually having the guts to break up with me?
How about the guy who stood my sister up on Valentine’s Day because he met some other girl on earlier that day, whom he decided to take out instead?
I could go on and on in this vein, but you can see where I am headed.
Okay, I know there are guys out there who are angrily decreeing that they are “one of the good ones!” Girls want bad boys and nice guys finish last. Blah blah blah, schmoopycakes. I call bullshit. You know what that is about? That is just guys who were more in love with the girl, than she was with him, and he had his heart broken. I guarantee you that if you gave that “nice guy” a girl whom he was not at all interested in, the 180 turn to asshole would make your head spin. Because men are not equipped with the ability to function on a certain level of humanity. There I said it.